Family gatherings

The 4th of July always meant a family gathering for our family. Most times I end up enjoying myself because I get to see how disfunctional the rest of the family is, and can watch others perpetuate their long-held grudges. I can remain on sidelines and make snide remarks, and be the 'funny' one. I've no grudges against anyone, and nobody has anything against me. Hell, I see these people 4 times a year, off course we don't have to hate each other. We barely know enough to remain relatives.


So this time, we had the traditional family dinner moved to a restaurant. It made a *huge* difference for me. Just the most awful time ever. Can't really explain it; I've been there before and like the food. Maybe I was just having a bad day. 

It didn't help that my cousins were there. These are 2 of the nicest, most well-adjusted, family-oriented kids you'll ever meet. I feel guilty even being in same room with them. How they grew up like that is a mystery. Good genes, I guess. I feel guilty being around them cause in any comparisons, I come out like shite. 

Long story short, I'm now reconsidering the whole family celebrations events in the future. Usually I'll spend half the time locked in a bathroom pacing back and forth but the bathrooms were full and my other coping mechanism - drinking, was likewise denied cause I was on DD-duty. Couldn't even find anything sharp to cut with, as an immediate stress-relieving measure.

I know I must look awkward and I can't look anyone in the eyes for some reason, which just makes me look even more awkward - a vicious cycle.  So I just find a point a couple of feet directly in front of me and stare at it. Couldn't do that cause I was sitting across from my cousin, whom I could not look at for some reason. Can't talk to these people; the awkwardness. Luckily they didn't try to talk to me. When leaving, I managed to only say good-byes to 2 people, which was almost more than I could bear.

This was one seriously screwed up day. What the hell is wrong with me?

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Of movie reviews

Just saw Public Enemy in the theater and I have to say, it was generally awful. Johny Depp is a great actor but it doesn't show throughout most of the movie. In fact, you can say say the same thing about most actors in this bore-fest. They tend to go through the movie without really showing any emotion or revealing themselves too much to the viewers. What do we know about Johnny's character? Nothing. Why should we care then? Everyone comes off very blank and unfinished. When they all die, I find myself not caring much. Depp's only redeeming scene comes when he visits the police station, he plays that just perfect, but it comes way too late. Even his impromptu interview in the cop room feels forced and unnatural. I find myself curious what it takes to make an actor like Depp appear unnatural on film. 


The set pieces are gorgeous in this movie; the cars, radios and night clubs are authentic looking. Some of the cinematography shots are likewise beautiful. The camera work, however, is not. A lot of times the camera work is sloppy and shakes. This is acceptable in action sequences, but it was occurring in a courthouse scene; what point is that? Additionally, the director must really like close up shots; cause we got to see every damn pore in Depp's and Bale's characters. Most of the time they do a Bale close-up, he comes off as vaguely constipated and strained. Don't shoot so damn close! This is true for a lot of other shots; I know they're trying to focus on the personal effect crime has on people, but a lot of the close shots are just bad. 

About the only thing that made this movie bearable is Cotillard's smile. She lights up the screen whenever she smiles; alas that only happens in the first half of the movie.

Overall, I think this is a throw-away movie. With some better editing and a different script it might have been something special. Its always a shame when the movie comes out this way especially when they've got so much talent on screen. Depp is mostly wasted on this movie.

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Of explorations

Two ideas for today:

*Sid Haig is like the creepy uncle that you wish you had.
*Found abandoned rail yard today.

Would write more but I'm tre tired!

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Of lightness

Clearly, today's entry is not going to happen. I was feeling up and now I'm not. These things have a way of happening that I don't know about. 


Tomorrow, I will not goto work and will have all kinds of time to putz around on the porch and feel writerly. Tommorrow, it is then.

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Of no time

I had a great entry all planned in my head that would tie in Unbearable Lightness of Being with Elizabeth Wurtzel's cat.  I'm sure you all can't wait...

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Of new old jobs

Seems like I have my old job in the basement available. Its kind of hard to turn down because its the only offer on the table. Also, they have too much money and not enough work. They're getting 8 people on this till Nov, for 2 deliveries. The work can easily be done by 3 people working part-time. Ack, gov't work is sometimes a charm.


Sometimes I worry that I'm letting my skills become stale. Lately, I'm only there for the paycheck; I don't give a damn that I'm not learning anything. Punch in, wait 9 hours, punch out.

I've started work on feeling writerly. Mainly, I sat down with an empty notepad window and stared at it for a while. A good long while. This, to me, is what being a writer all about. Minus the fame and glory and the writer-groupies. Writing is hard work, turns out. 

After almost an hour of straining I had maybe 3 sentences. This must be what great writers experience. I'm at one with  the Artist, and he is at one with Me. This would be my first real attempt at writing outside of class or a blog format. All started cause an essay I posted on fb got a comment from a friend comparing me favourably to Camus. HA! Ego-boost, much? Its amazing how hard we're willing to work for a good word.

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Two Thoughts

Being an adult means integrating 2 contradictory things at once: the knowledge that everyone's as miserable as you, possibly more, wanting to stay in bed for days on end, and acknowledging that there are certain things which you must simply do and that can not be avoided.


Whenever I get upset at home all I have to do is think, at least I'm not at work. My, what difference does it make!


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Of dog days

I'm now a fully trained dog handler at the local city shelter. About 7 hours over 3 weeks. Today was the culmination. I passed! I mean, everyone passes, but its an accomplishment nonetheless. I'm now qualified to take dogs out of their kennels, walk them and put them back in the kennels.


The previous shelter I've worked at was a county center, very rich and always under capacity. The policy there was much different. Because they simply didn't keep dangerous dogs around, volunteers weren't trained at all. Here, you're working with 90% pits and pit mixes, some dogs are aggressive, some have previously bitten people. You have to be much more aware; thus the extra training. The conditions are worse; at the county shelter each dog gets to go out at least twice a day. At the city, once a day, if they're lucky. Cages get cleaned twice a day in the county, maybe once a day in the city. Capacity-wise, city's holding over 70 dogs at full capacity, county has maybe 12-15 with space for again as many. 

I love pits, probably my favourite breed. They're extremely athletic, good natured and generally love people. They need to be socialized early and screened for aggression  because of their breeding. But barring all that; they're great family dogs. A pit has pretty remarkable jaw structure; their jaw locks in place. Additionally their jaw muscles are twice as developed as other dogs. You'll see the trademark pit triangular face; the muscles around the jaw are so thick they give the head a triangular shape. A normal dogs' jaw muscles attach at the temples, a pits wrap around the head and attach close to the opposite ear, giving the head an extra set of bulges. The amount of force all that muscle is able to generate is legendary! Pits are generally very smart and are easy to train; and because they love people, they work extra hard to please the owners.

Today, I got to hug a couple of dogs and for a time, things very pretty good! But then I had to put them back in their filthy cages and walk away. I left with feces smeared on my jeans. I suppose its symbolic of something. I've since scrubbed the jeans clean. Mostly.

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Of imaginary numbers

Still bouncing around that idea in my head; that I had a sister. My biggest fear for the longest time: being alone. It is not anymore because I've realized most people are horribly alone all their lives and all die alone. So its just something to deal with, embrace even. Its like being afraid of oxygen; oxygaphobia. I just made that up. Cursory glance over at google confirms that such a phobia does not exist. Because it is unavoidable.


I've tried to have imaginary friends but that never seems to work out. Firstly, I can't imagine a plausible scenario wherein I'd have imaginary friends. It has to be plausible to be believable. Someone whom only I can see, that follows me around? Far-fetched, much? Second, even if such an entity existed, it should be motivated by something. Why should an invisible creature want to hang out with me, anyway? If I was invisible, I'd be off doing crazy antics and living off the land, not following some loser around so I can be his friend. Finally, why me of all the other people? Say an invisible creature was around and wanted a friend, why would it choose me? That makes no sense, if it could befriend anyone, I'd not be anywhere near the top of any such lists. If I was imaginary and absolutely could not live off the land and had to befriend someone, I'd befriend a really hot slutty girl; someone interesting.

Turns out that in some cases multiple-personality disorder can manifest itself as having imaginary friends in your head.  And, schizophrenia. I'd prefer the former but either's acceptable. Just as long as my head's not empty.

Back to what I'm really trying to say is that perhaps I'm not so alone; I've a sister! 

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Of sibling rivalries

Recently my mom told me she had an abortion when I was about 1.5. I always suspected I had a sibling because she'd always drop hints about it. Its not something you can just ask about so I didn't, figuring she'd tell me when she wanted. She was upset that I was such a screwup and told me that its her fault; if she kept the pregnancy I'd have turned out better.


I kind of just assumed I'd always had a kid sister. Now I know. She'd have been 23ish, I guess. It made sense to get her aborted; in Russia its frowned upon to have too many kids, especially in the cities. 

Even though you suspect something, its different when its finally confirmed. This just brings more questions than answers. What would she have been like? Would she have been as screwed up as me? Would I have been as screwed up as me? I think taking care of someone, and having someone that looks up to me would have made a big difference for me. I think I'd have made a decent big brother. A lot of the things that I'm struggling now and will always struggle with, would have been a lot easier if I wasn't always so alone. I've spent the years from 6-16 pretty much without any friends. There were 2 years I attended public school that I had made friends but I was put in private school from 5th grade on and didn't have anyone to talk with till 8th or 9th grade. Simple stuff like making small talk and relating to other people did not come very easily. It would not have been so if there was someone else around.

My mom has a sister and her mother also has a sister. My mothers' sister has 2 sons. My aunt also has 2 sons, the married son has 2 kids. It is my parent' side of the family that are loners, I go after them. 

I wonder what she would have been like? I think its a given that she would have liked books. Maybe she'd be the one that took up art classes. I read somewhere that most siblings are like that, one's more artistic and the other is more interested in measurable things. I stayed close to home for college. She'd probably not chicken out of applying for scholarships and go somewhere out of state, on a full ride! Then again, with 2 kids, there's no way I'd have been put in that private school hell. It was expensive enough for 1 kid, no way could we have afforded paying double. So we'd have gone to public school, or perhaps magnet. Probably rack up a shit-tonne of AP. We aren't conventionally smart but stubborn. We do well to spite the teachers rather than to succeed. 

I'd have a good 2 years on her in college. She'd be a freshman when I was a junior. No way would she ever be a cs major. Maybe another branch of science; life, perhaps? Biology, chemistry? If we do go to the same college, we take the same electives and pretend not to know each other. I use her notes when I pretend to be sick and don't show for class. She finds out and gets mad; our mother mediates. Graduation isn't so tough anymore cause she's still in college and I can come visit. Who knows, perhaps I don't move back home and settle on my job. 

So many questions. I miss not being able to find out what happens. I wonder what she would have looked like. My mother, I hope. I've the worst features of both parents, logically she'd have the best. I wonder what her name would have been. This is also something I can't ask my mother. I don't think she would have aborted if she decided on a name. My sister does not have a name. I wish she did. I wish I'd meet her.

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