Of sibling rivalries

I kind of just assumed I'd always had a kid sister. Now I know. She'd have been 23ish, I guess. It made sense to get her aborted; in Russia its frowned upon to have too many kids, especially in the cities. 

Even though you suspect something, its different when its finally confirmed. This just brings more questions than answers. What would she have been like? Would she have been as screwed up as me? Would I have been as screwed up as me? I think taking care of someone, and having someone that looks up to me would have made a big difference for me. I think I'd have made a decent big brother. A lot of the things that I'm struggling now and will always struggle with, would have been a lot easier if I wasn't always so alone. I've spent the years from 6-16 pretty much without any friends. There were 2 years I attended public school that I had made friends but I was put in private school from 5th grade on and didn't have anyone to talk with till 8th or 9th grade. Simple stuff like making small talk and relating to other people did not come very easily. It would not have been so if there was someone else around.

My mom has a sister and her mother also has a sister. My mothers' sister has 2 sons. My aunt also has 2 sons, the married son has 2 kids. It is my parent' side of the family that are loners, I go after them. 

I wonder what she would have been like? I think its a given that she would have liked books. Maybe she'd be the one that took up art classes. I read somewhere that most siblings are like that, one's more artistic and the other is more interested in measurable things. I stayed close to home for college. She'd probably not chicken out of applying for scholarships and go somewhere out of state, on a full ride! Then again, with 2 kids, there's no way I'd have been put in that private school hell. It was expensive enough for 1 kid, no way could we have afforded paying double. So we'd have gone to public school, or perhaps magnet. Probably rack up a shit-tonne of AP. We aren't conventionally smart but stubborn. We do well to spite the teachers rather than to succeed. 

I'd have a good 2 years on her in college. She'd be a freshman when I was a junior. No way would she ever be a cs major. Maybe another branch of science; life, perhaps? Biology, chemistry? If we do go to the same college, we take the same electives and pretend not to know each other. I use her notes when I pretend to be sick and don't show for class. She finds out and gets mad; our mother mediates. Graduation isn't so tough anymore cause she's still in college and I can come visit. Who knows, perhaps I don't move back home and settle on my job. 

So many questions. I miss not being able to find out what happens. I wonder what she would have looked like. My mother, I hope. I've the worst features of both parents, logically she'd have the best. I wonder what her name would have been. This is also something I can't ask my mother. I don't think she would have aborted if she decided on a name. My sister does not have a name. I wish she did. I wish I'd meet her.