227 posts from 2009

I keep meaning to write in here but I never have the time or the motivation to follow through. This is quite unfortunate. 

These things are happening, not in this order:

Helped a co-worker find a rather tricky bug in teh codez. Twas a great feeling, but then I remembered how useless this whole thing is and was suddenly not so excited. Still, it is nice to be good at something, anything. It was previously mentioned, but I crave external validations; I want to be told I'm doing a good job. Problem is; I'm not and I can't get anyone to lie to me. I can't let them.

What a waste, I've nothing to say.

Had another interruption in electricity. Today was around 100degrees and the power went out. Gah, so frustrating. I can't deal with things like that very well; ended up going to sleep in basement and being upset. Whole evening was ruined. I'm rather inflexible; I can't get over things and I don't react well to changes. Its something that I know is bad and I try to change but its slow going.

Could not sleep today so I went to the shelter bright and early. Was having a teddible day; 2 dogs got away from me, running around inside the shelter. I wasn't quick enough to get the collar on them. Completely my fault, its lucky that no fights broke out or anything really bad happen. Could have been much worse. Still, I felt like shite about it; that's what happened at the last shelter I worked at and also the reason I got kicked out of there; a dog got out and I got yelled at about it and I stopped coming cause I'm a volunteer, I try my best, and I do not need to be there getting yelled at. I don't want to get kicked out of this shelter, too. Its a standard pattern that I've seen repeat over and over again; I try something new out of desperation, like it a lot, fall in love with it, get tired/bored/sloppy, and quit. 

Forrest Griffin's total cage-time was less than his entrance and his leaving times. What's up with that?

Original plan was to goto the shelter today but I wimped out; if you're going to go, you need to get there early before the morning rush and the heat. Its no fun walking energetic pits in 90degrees or worse. Morning is when they really need people most; the dogs have been in the kennels all night and could really use a walk, the cages are filthy and the regular kennel workers are just now getting around to cleaning them. If no one's there they don't walk them; there's no time.

Mental health days; everyone loves them. I took one today. Got to work and just did not feel like working much. That happens a lot to me; when you're so apathetic that you can't even bring yourself to do anything. So I didn't. I call these days my mental health days; these are the days when I'm permitted to do anything I want for myself and feel no guilt about it. Kinda like sick-days except I take them at work. Sick days are mental health days that you take at home, whereas mental health days you take while still charging time at work. They're one step below sick days. Mental health days mean you don't feel good but you've not yet had your breakdown.

A friend and his wife want to rent a room from my non-existent condo. Couple of things to decompress here. 1 - that its no longer a friend and his gf, all my friends are now married. I feel ever the more of a fsck-up. 2 - do I want roommates? Had roommates all 4 years of college. Wasn't exactly easy. First 2 were a nightmare cause I lived with a guy with mild-moderate ocd and all kinds of other behavioral abnormalities. He grew out of them over time, but twas too late for me. Most reminded me of myself, which is why I could not stand him. I was pretty much him, except Russian, and angrier. Next 2 years, had 3 roommates; two awesome guys and a douche. I liked living with them although I was continually in self-imposed isolation and pity. I did need a lot of alone-time but that worked out cause they were all the studious types. Only problem was I never really felt comfortable there; like the place wasn't really mine and I was sharing it. I was always scared to bring any guests over there cause what if my roommates are in there? Totally irrational. As a consequence I was always feeling like a prisoner in my own room.