32 posts from June 2009

I had a great entry all planned in my head that would tie in Unbearable Lightness of Being with Elizabeth Wurtzel's cat.  I'm sure you all can't wait...

Seems like I have my old job in the basement available. Its kind of hard to turn down because its the only offer on the table. Also, they have too much money and not enough work. They're getting 8 people on this till Nov, for 2 deliveries. The work can easily be done by 3 people working part-time. Ack, gov't work is sometimes a charm.

Being an adult means integrating 2 contradictory things at once: the knowledge that everyone's as miserable as you, possibly more, wanting to stay in bed for days on end, and acknowledging that there are certain things which you must simply do and that can not be avoided.

I'm now a fully trained dog handler at the local city shelter. About 7 hours over 3 weeks. Today was the culmination. I passed! I mean, everyone passes, but its an accomplishment nonetheless. I'm now qualified to take dogs out of their kennels, walk them and put them back in the kennels.

Still bouncing around that idea in my head; that I had a sister. My biggest fear for the longest time: being alone. It is not anymore because I've realized most people are horribly alone all their lives and all die alone. So its just something to deal with, embrace even. Its like being afraid of oxygen; oxygaphobia. I just made that up. Cursory glance over at google confirms that such a phobia does not exist. Because it is unavoidable.

Recently my mom told me she had an abortion when I was about 1.5. I always suspected I had a sibling because she'd always drop hints about it. Its not something you can just ask about so I didn't, figuring she'd tell me when she wanted. She was upset that I was such a screwup and told me that its her fault; if she kept the pregnancy I'd have turned out better.

Turns out the program I'm on is 'cancelled'. At least that's the official position. There was a document put out by the gov't saying we'll get shut down. However, I was told this is all a PR stunt and in fact, its still business as usual. All the future expenditures have been approved at over 90% budgeting levels. The public is tired of hearing our name in the news, so the best solution to fool the public is to keep us funded under a different name, which is what this is about. A few years ago, I'd be upset or surprised or more likely outraged. Now though, I'm impressed. These folks' levels of scheming are approaching legendary proportions.

This situation is really stressing me out lately. To the point of daily tension headaches. Today I had an interview with a mgr and she wants me for basement-employment. I'd go back to my previous rotation, the one that I got kicked out of, and be reporting to the same managers. I panicked and said yes, then sent an email delaying and asking for time. Its not like I have any other offers.

My cubemate and myself are in the lab around 5:30 when everyone else from group walks in for an impromptu meeting. Congrats, the managers say, we're all out of money. Tomorrow is everyone's last day  here. Its not quite so bad because this is a big company, and we'll all have a place somewhere else. Nonetheless, it is stressful. We'd all been told this is a possibility but I kind of figured the end would come later.

Turns out I almost had a younger sibling. My mother always hinted at an abortion but it was one of those things that you kinda want to ask but never do. Well, she told me about it today. She would have been around 23 now. Having suspected this all my life, I just assumed it would have been a girl.